Jokes for Bugs

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.

“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”

“Nine…”

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room.  He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room.  He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

“For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be
sire?”

The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”

“Allah Ka Zam!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife!”

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What’s wrong?’ ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all  mankind was made.”

Two days later she asks her father the same question.

The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?”

The mother answers, “Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his.”

A really drunk guy at a party walks up to the host and asks, “Do you have some green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you’?”

The host, stunned, answers, “Of course I don’t have any green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you.’”
“Oh, no!” the drunk cries. “I’m really sorry…I think I just wiped my arse with your parrot.”

You are in a Pub, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. Every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you walk towards the door, everybody is throwing dagger looks at
you, and you suddenly realize. . . . ..

That you have your MP3 player headphones over your ears!

A blonde ordered a pizza and the assistant asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”